Young IT Worker’s Dilemma
Emily, a young IT worker, sent us this article asking our advice
I had a brief fling with my boss. He is several levels of management above me in the company and has a wife. I wondered whether this would be good for my career, but he completely ignores me now.
He told me quite a few secrets during our brief fling. Then he opened his heart to me. He told me about his marriage and some office secrets.
When I saw him in the office the nest Monday morning, I smiled sweetly to him, but he looked as if he‘d seen a ghost.
Now, every time I see him in the corridor he avoids any eye contact. He doesn‘t come into the area where we sit now very often, and even if he does he leaves very quickly.
This is very disappointing. I‘m wondering what I‘ve done wrong.
A Confidante
I thought he looked on me as a confidante.
Now he seems to look at me as something that crept out of the crypt.
I know he fancies me, because he told me so himself.
I am getting a little fearful for my career now.
I‘ve spoken to some of the other girls in the office and they‘ve said that I should go into his office, close the door behind me and find out what the matter is.
What do you suggest Dr. McLaughlin? Is this a smart approach?
Dr. McLaughlin’s Reply
Exactly how brief a ‘fling‘ was this Emily?
It doesn‘t sound to me as if it lasted for more than one night.
Let me guess, you were out with your boss and other people from work on some kind of social night, your boss had too much to drink (and possibly you as well), and one way or another you ended up back at your place where you had a night (or even less than that) where the two of you got amorous and he confided a lot of things that he shouldn‘t have to you.
The next day you felt very happy to be his confidante and felt you pulled a major stroke by becoming ‘friendly‘ with the big boss.
His Perspective
Let me tell you what it looks like from his point of view.
He will have woken up the next morning normally. However, within a few seconds of waking up the realisation of what happened the night before (and he is a married man) will have hit him. Then he would be in horror..
However, that is not the end of it.
Confided to Young IT Worker
A split second later he will remember all the things that he confided to you the previous night.
He will be thunderstruck.
Let me be frank.
He thinks that this was a big mistake and wishes that it hadn‘t happened.
He wishes that it would all just go away.
The Reminder
However, it can‘t.
You‘re there in the place where he is the big boss every day to remind him of it. In not acknowledging you he is running away from the problem. He doesn‘t want reminded of it.
You say that you were very pleased to be his confidante.
Let me tell you what a confidante is. It is someone who you can confide your closest secrets to, and one that you can be sure won‘t tell anyone else what you have told them.
It sounds as if you have revealed every gory detail and everything that he has said to the ‘other girls in the office‘.
Door Shut
That closes one door for you.
If you hadn‘t done that, then I would have advised writing him a short note in a sealed envelope, putting it in his in-tray, saying that it was a one-off and you‘d like to forget it too, and that nothing he said that night will ever be revealed by you.
Normally I like to give people some advice about how they can get themselves out of a situation. However, it looks as if you have blocked off all the exits.
When he finds out (and it is not an ‘if it is a ‘when‘) that you have revealed everything about that night and what he said that night to everyone in the office he will be furious – and rightly so.
Too Juicy
Don‘t you realise that what you told ‘the other girls‘ is just too juicy for them to keep to themselves?
This will leak and leak fast. Senior management will get to hear about it. When I was CIO at a company I used to get to hear all the juicy gossip. Little did the people who worked for me know that I knew most of their little ‘secrets‘ from the Office Party or the social night out.
You are toast.
There‘s no way back for you.
You‘re only hope is that he decides that he needs to get out of there first.
Otherwise I‘d look out my CV and get it sent out – and don‘t put him forward as a reference.
If you have any other advice for this young IT worker just leave it in the comments section below.
See one person’s reply – How to Protect Yourself After Sleeping With Your Boss.
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