Ten Ways not to Get a Contract Renewal
IT Contractors can sometimes be a little insensitive. Here are ten ways not to get a contract renewal by alienating clients and making sure that do not you get the contract renewal.
Come in Late
Come in late everyday, and by that I mean after the flexitime window.
Keep doing it even after gentle hints are being dropped about it.
Get obstreperous if anybody questions your ‘right‘ to do this.
If you can smell a little of stale alcohol and look as if you haven‘t been home the night before that would be even better
Refuse to Get the Coffees
Take every cup of coffee going, but seldom go and get them for everyone yourself.
If you need a cup of coffee just get your own.
If any of the permies question this, just say that you are more expensive than they are and that your time is far more valuable to the company than theirs is
Slag everybody off
Slag everybody off behind their backs.
Tell everyone how useless the Project Manager is.
Make sure that you tell enough people so that someone is bound to tell him or her and your contract is not renewed
Knock People Down
Belittle people when they make a mistake.
Make sure everyone knows what an idiot they are.
This should get you a few laughs each time, but once you‘ve done it to everybody there will be less people laughing each time
Never Help Anyone
If anyone asks for help, never help them.
Just say ‘look it up’ and hand them a manual, or better still, tell them which cupboard the manual is in.
Of course the very best answer to give when someone asks you for help is ‘How long did you say you were in IT?’
If any of the permanent Project Leaders or Project Managers don‘t want to do things your way, or the way you‘ve seen it done elsewhere, throw a bit of a tantrum and make some kind of scathing comment.
Keep saying afterwards that the project is going down the pan and that it is bound to end in failure.
Mock the Way they do things
It‘s most important to mock the way they do things, and especially the methodology that they use.
Tell them that it is ‘a heap of cr*p‘.
Whatever languages and tools they use there, keep telling them that they are inferior to ones that you have used
Don‘t Join In
Turn up your nose when you are asked if you want to come to the company canteen.
Make sure you go every day to the fanciest restaurants around.
Also make sure that you tell everybody where you were and what you ate when you come back from lunch.
Always finish by saying ‘it beats the canteen anyway’.
Take Long Lunch Breaks
Look upon the hour that you get for lunch as a minimum.
Make sure that it is usually about an hour and a half to two hours.
If it is obvious when you come back that you‘ve spent lunchtime down the pub so much the better.
Spend the first hour that you are back talking loudly and telling the permanent staff that they are no fun and a bunch of stuffed shirts
Make jokes about the business users
– especially if they can hear you.
Say things like IT systems would be much better if the users never got involved.
Always talk in highly technical jargon to them and get impatient if they don‘t understand.
If they have the cheek to want you to build the system that they want to have rather than the one you want to give them, let them know how stupid you think they are
Well, there‘s a few ways not to get a contract renewal to be getting on with, but I‘m sure that there are others.
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